What is it in our society? or me?

Talk about failure, I feel awful. I failed to give a card to this girl today, although i had decided i was going to do it about half an hour before i did, but i just couldn't. I get on the Q train which was empty and sit down. All of a sudden this girl runs into the train and sits directly across from me, we made eye contact, she looked away and started to smile. It was beautiful, i felt great, whether it was because of me or just because something good happened, but her smile made me feel excellent. I obviously smiled as well. We continue to catch each others eye, each grinning in turn. I decided that i was going to give her a card so i reach into my wallet, pick out the card with the cutest illustration i had and put it into my back pocket for easy access. I couldn't give it to her right then because i have this self imposed rule that i need to give these cards and walk away. This is because i do not want them to be mistaken as a flirtation tool, although i know many of my friends have used them as such. So i just held on hoping that she was not going to get off at the next stop.

The train service was interrupted and we needed to get onto the shuttle bus, it was a mess of people running to the bus, i lost her in the crowd and walked around looking at the buses to see if she was on one of them already. Suddenly she was right in front of me and gave me another great smile as we make eye contact. We get on the bus which was packed and ended up at different parts of the bus. Time passes and i keep glancing over, making sure she was still there. The bus mostly empties and we are standing very close to each other. I reach into my pocket and hold the card, deciding when i will give it.

This is when the disaster began. She picks up her bags and starts walking towards the front of the bus. I panic, thinking "oh no".. i start nervously grasping the card and looking around. All i needed to do was walk up to her as she was leaving the bus but for some reason, all i could think about were the other passengers. I kept thinking that everyone would think i was trying to flirt, i would have to stay on the bus as she left and everyone would just look at me, like a hopeless romantic. I got embarrassed before there was even a need to get embarrassed. I wasn't hitting on her, i just simply wanted to make her smile one more time, and to thank her for making my ride amazing. But i couldn't.

This all makes me wonder, is it something in me or is it something in the culture that i was raised in that has some kind of stigma about just doing a good thing to a stranger? Why did i feel i would be judged, why was i embarrassed, why wasn't i feeling proud about the act i was about to do? What is it about me and NYC that made me freeze and fear doing something nice to her just because of what the rest of the people on the bus would think of me.

Perhaps i'm just weak, and too shy for my own good. But here are the pictures of this card, since i decided to give it to her, it is only for her, and since i failed to give it to her, im going to burn it and apologize.

To the pretty girl, in the white flower jacket with the hearts on your shoes, You really made me smile and i'm sorry that i couldnt properly thank you.